I decided to do my walk first thing today, knowing that if I put it off I might just keep putting it off indefinitely. The weather is overcast and the temperature is currently 38 degrees. I was going to use the treadmill downstairs, but somebody was already on it and I prefer to walk outside. There's more things to see, obviously, but when I get tired at 3/4 of a mile, I have no choice but to keep pushing on if I want to get home again. I listened to Stephen Fry's "Moab is My Washpot" because I never have time to listen to audio books. Same route as yesterday. 

Distance: 1.13 mile
Time: 26 min 06 sec
Calories burned: 131 
Min per mile: 23:03 

Not an improvement on yesterday. In fact, today's walk was more difficult in some respects. Various muscle groups started to twinge and groan. My left shoulder started to hurt. My right side. My left leg threatened to cramp once and still feels a little tight. I came home feeling absolutely exhausted. I feel like now would be a great time to take a nap, not write this blog and start my day. 

I feel like it's impossible for me to meet this goal. Other people could do it. Other people could work hard for 100 days and take this hike. People who aren't me. I'm beginning to realize this is essentially how I live my life. I see things I want to do, but immediately categorize them as "Good for other people, but I could never do it." I've missed out on opportunities doing this, I've sabotaged myself countless times. I might still be sabotaging myself. I suppose this is why I should see a therapist, so I can get out of this destructive way of thinking. 

I know taking these walks won't fix everything that's wrong in my life. I'm constantly worried about money--this isn't going to raise money. I'm constantly worried that I suck as a writer and I'm just fooling myself into thinking I could ever be truly successful at it, and walking certainly won't make me a good writer. I'm a slob. Walking won't help me suddenly become a neat freak. But maybe it WILL make a difference. Maybe if I set a goal that seems out of my reach and actually accomplish it, the list of things that seemed utterly impossible before will suddenly be downgraded to a list of things that are only slightly impossible. 

I've also realized that it might be easier for me to find a job if I lost weight. I know it's stupid of me, especially considering what cruelties I've experienced, but I never thought my weight would be the obstacle between me and gainful employment. And maybe that used to be the case, but now? Now I'm sure it's quite a big obstacle. Even if people aren't consciously trying to be jerks, my weight sends a lot of signals to them, rightly or wrongly. And maybe they're the right signals? I don't know. 

Anyway, I hope it doesn't take more than a week for my poor legs to get accustomed to this, because I do want to start 2 walks a day next week. 

On an optimistic note, my feet did NOT swell up last night. I'm going to keep track of that because I hope that my regular walks will stop that from happening. It's uncomfortable and gross. 

Addendum: My right ankle is swollen, though I'm not in any pain right now and the swelling is localized in a very specific area, as opposed to my whole foot. It's rather troubling, but I'm going to elevate and ice today, and hopefully it'll go down by tomorrow. It's swollen enough that I don't think I could get my shoe on. God, wouldn't it be terrible if simply walking was enough to cause some sort of fracture? No wonder people who get really, really huge just give up and stay in bed.

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